The same week we left the west coast for Thailand, my parents left for a whirlwind trip through the Bible via Egypt, Jordan, and Israel, and my old friends Brandon and Fiona left for a cross country move that parallels ours in some ways. Life has changed so much for us this year already, it's hard to have any sense of what the rest of it holds. I've managed to accomplish one of my most passive goals that I had when I was overwhelmed by a very consistent routine:

I have no idea what day it is.
I have no context or reference points. My days are different from another, but not aligned with any particular day of the week.

Like a lot of things these days (tastes, smells, feelings, sights), I wish I could bottle some of it up and send it back to my former self, the one who craved this freedom and variety so much because I would be able to to better appreciate the sweetness of it all. I am trying to remain present and grateful in the midst of all this abundance.



Here is a video from our time in Seattle - I'm going out of order because I left some footage in Chiang Mai that I'll use to complete the middle of the story. Soon: Thailand! It's just so beautiful.

Okay, beginning week two. Food is still abundant. Cars are at just over half tank of gas respectively.

January 13 - So far this month has been a good exercise in letting go of control and self-reliance and being willing to ask friends and family for help, for fun, for carpools and more. Monday night, we didn't even ask - Melissa offered to get us all free tickets to see Her at the the Lagoon theater through her work, which we had really wanted to see but resigned ourselves to waiting at least until it came to the Hopkins theater. We parked for free a quarter mile away and took a short walk to the theater in the big fluffy snow flakes. We are still mulling over the movie - in a good way - highly recommended! After the movie, we met up with Elliot and Ryan at the climbing gym and and then stopped by Ryan's house to pick up some shower and tile caulk - our only tube of it split open right after Tory started finishing up the shower resealing project. We can shower again!

January 14 - This morning I brought Tory to a conference downtown on my way to work - it's a rare day that we get to carpool together.
My boss decided to cater lunch to the office just because. We've been living in luxury this month!

I've eaten most of my salty snacks at work and have had to move on to the purely healthy stuff - apples and peanut butter and almonds.

I have a habit of regularly checking our bank, and it's been very strange to have no changes to speak of.

One of the best things about this month has been that its long enough to break habits (ones like stopping at the thrift store on the way home from work, going out for coffee or tea, and our frequent restaurant bills)

And it's long enough to starting new habits - keeping homemade food on hand for lunches, making healthy muffins so I can grab one to go in the mornings, finding creative solutions since buying a fix isn't an option, finding free activities and hosting people at our place, and grouping our excursions together to save on gas. The funny thing is that it doesn't feel very different from normal life. We're just not spending any money.

A few months ago, I was asked to address fashion and faith and show my Voltage collection at a church in Toronto next spring, so I spent some time reflecting on preliminary questions around spirituality and fashion design - topics not usually paired together. When internal disagreements rose up in the church around some of these very questions, the fashion show and Q&A portions were understandably cancelled. I learned a lot through defining my thoughts and appreciate the opportunity to address these questions, so I decided to name it and post it.


This is a manifesto on my Why’s of Fashion Design and its Paradoxes. These are observations I have named as truth here today in 2013. It is subject to change as all my views are, as I learn, dialogue and grow. I’m sure I am not the first to say most of these things. But I asked myself what I believe and came up with this.


When you design clothing, how does your faith enter into the process?


Designing clothing is one of the things that I get lost in and I am able to be alone with myself and just exist and create. In that sense it is spiritual for me because I feel very alive and authentic. I think mimicking our Creator by using our minds and talents to create is a very spiritual act, and it is very peaceful for me. It reminds me that I am a creation myself and that I was built to create with the gifts I find I was given.



Why should people care about what they wear?


Fashion is a way we communicate, and since everyone communicates something through their fashion choices, consciously or not, I think it is worth caring and being intentional about.


For me fashion is a big part of how I share my uniqueness. I get to do a small exercise in the creative part of my brain every morning. Some of my clothes I’ve made myself but most are thrifted. I love patterns and sometimes it will occur to me to put two patterns I’ve never worn together beside each other and the way they play off each other creates a new visual impact. I also like that I can choose to avoid the exercise and go with something basic that I know I will feel comfortable and confident in all day.

When I was a teenager, I defined myself on being different which made the whole high school experience easier and I was able to be more myself since I wasn’t always guarded, worried that people would realize that I was weird. I just was, and the way I dressed, everyone already knew that. I also found friends that expressed their differences and confidence through their fashion and accessories and felt like I belonged somewhere.
 



Most models are beautiful, and they are usually tiny. Do you design for everyone, or just beautiful people? Why or why not? What about obese people? Older people?


I love designing custom clothing made to fit just one person perfectly. Because I’m a one person design company, on the one hand, I design runway collections as a chance to share my vision for fashion, and then I build up custom work as people see my aesthetic and want something custom created. I really enjoy working with all shapes and ages for custom work and getting to create something beautiful in collaboration with customers. I really love creating unique wedding gowns for that reason as well.

For a runway show that unveils a fashion collection as part of an untouchable artistic expression, healthy but slim and tall women are appropriate because when models are approximately the same proportions, they become a blank canvas to communicate a vision. In no way do I think a woman who is a size 4 or even smaller is more beautiful than a larger woman. This specific kind of runway show is not about defining or defying our societal standards of beauty or about showing the unique beauty of each model. It's about uniformity for the sake of presentation of the garments themselves.


It depends on the goal of the show. If I am creating a collection for a show that is about community or a specific benefit, then I wouldn’t want models that all looked similar, I would want models that will communicate that vision of strength and individuality. I would want a variety of unique people who are part of the community to model, and let their personality shine through, by smiling and enjoying their part in the presentation.


In fashion shoots and editorials, when I am trying to create a specific aura and tell a visual story, I am inspired by models with unique features, women who are powerful and unique in their own way. They bring their own stories and personality and it is great to be able to use that individual beauty to communicate visually.

I absolutely think that having a diverse representation of women in fashion and beauty industries is important and lacking. It’s really valuable for young people to see reflections of themselves included in our society’s definition of beauty, which I think is slowly expanding (very slowly, I’ll admit). It is even more important though, for young people to see reflections of themselves in positions of intelligence, creativity and strength rather than beauty.



As a designer, what sort of advice would you give to people who can't afford your clothes, or very much of your clothes?


I can’t afford my clothing prices either! I find it so strange that some people are willing to pay so much for clothing, either in a mall or from a designer. Buying from a designer is definitely better since you know who and what you are supporting. But because I create each design myself and I put 6 hours minimum into a dress, to even make $10/hour not counting material costs, that dress is already out of my price range.


On the other hand though, what would the world be without art? Artists face the same kind of dichotomy - we all just want to create art, but in order to make it sustainable, there needs to be somewhere to put it, to display it, someone to value it and be willing to pay for it’s creation. So for me personally though I am not willing to pay much for clothing or art, I am really glad that some people are willing to and that they keep artists going. I feel this especially when I look back at history, since fashion and art can tell us so much about the direction and expressions of the time period.


My advice if you can’t afford it, is to buy it directly from a small designer and try to find young and new artists who are still building themselves up. Hopefully you will get a great deal on a completely unique piece and help them build up their experience. I also recommend trying to barter if you have a useful skill to offer in exchange for something custom!


Also, my tendency is always to buy second hand instead of new anyways. My recommendation would be to get creative even if you don’t normally see yourself that way. I think it’s a really valuable skill to know how to make slight alterations and use a sewing machine and it opens up your ability to buy second hand and tweak something really great but oversized to fit just right for you or add something unique to an otherwise plain design.



Some people might say that spending money on clothes is poor stewardship. What would you say?


Spending money on clothes is poor stewardship to a large extent. It is not good for the environment, it supports unsustainable systems, and it can be expensive and therefore tough on personal finances. And yet we all need clothes to wear. And we live in places where we have the luxury of being able to spend time considering what we will wear and how we will use it to express ourselves.


The best solution I have found that answers all of my concerns around stewardship is buying second hand, wearing great garments cast off by a system of excess.


I also am unsustainably clumsy and rough on my clothes. So for me it makes sense to buy low and more often since even if I bought something brand new that is intended to last long, I will inevitably spill something down the front.


What do you want people to think when they see your clothing?


When people see my designs, I want them to appreciate that they are seeing something unique. I mix and match patterns and colors until I find combinations that strike my eye as pleasing and I hope that other people have that experience too - surprising but striking combinations.


I want a woman to buy one of my garments because it caught her eye and it reflects a part of herself, because she will cherish it, and because she feels empowered and confident in her uniqueness when she wears it. I want my clothes to accent and highlight each person’s individuality.


What makes for beautiful clothing, here and now? I mean, people in Thailand or India or Senegal obviously have different, culturally conditioned, ideas about what makes for beautiful clothing. So what are your values for clothing?


I think there is a fine line between beauty being in the eye of the beholder vs. a universal aesthetic. There are some universal standards like color theory, that define what colors will be beautiful together. But there could be a use in which conflicting colors used in a new way create something not quite beautiful, but interesting and therefore valuable.


Mainly it's important to dress for your own body and uniqueness as opposed to following trends that might feel tacked on or unflattering even if they are considered beautiful because they are trendy.


Is great fashion for everyone, always?


I don’t think so, no!  There are so many situations where there is just no need for great fashion and it can be very freeing to think very little about it.  Just like great conscious fashion choices can highlight and be used to express what a person is about, it can detract from who they are as well. Janelle Monae wears a suit when she performs so the focus is on her music. The music should be the focus and she has chosen to highlight her music by muting her fashion choices. I think it is important to think about what we wear but sometimes that will lead us to choosing something very practical and mundane instead of great.

 
Do clothes make the man (woman)? Why or why not?


I am going to refer to this quote by Linda Grant, author of The Thoughtful Dresser, “Clothes are not everything, but you cannot have depths without surfaces. They communicate with what is within; between the two there is always a great dialogue.”


What about materials? What matters?


Materials are key - and also quite difficult to source sustainably. It is so important to be responsible and be conscious about not contributing to pollution, environmental degradation, dangerous work environments, abusive systems, and consumer excess. Because I have a small label made by hand, I can often use remnants and recycled fabrics and create with the excess. But it can be really challenging regardless to balance responsible fabric sourcing with attempting to keep costs and therefore final prices down. I’m on the board of a non-profit called Sol Inspirations that advocates for responsible fashion, and we try to connect designers who are outsourcing some of their work with local fabric and manufacturing sources, among other things. I think this is a baby step in the right direction. Being part of that organization challenges me to continue to find better practices and sources and be part of a growing movement towards responsible fashion, from environmental improvements, to challenging industry standards, to creating accountability and safety for people around the world.



What do you struggle with in your industry and in your business?


For me, fashion design is full of paradox.


Authenticity vs. Publicity: I want to be an authentic person in all situations but I sometimes feel pressure to attend networking events in order to keep up interest in my line and have the press promote it. Thankfully I’ve connected with a group of designers, artists, and friends in Minneapolis who are very genuine and focused on creating interesting art and fashion and hosting fun events that celebrate diversity of talent. I am showing a mini collection with that group as part of a developing event next year so that is one exciting answer to this paradox so far.


Creation vs. Consumption: I want to create - fashion design is my medium but in order to make it a sustainable endeavor I need to be able to sell what I make. That puts my work into a super oversaturated market, where I am adding to the consumer excess that already exists. And yet I feel like I must create, whether it is fashion or other mediums so I have created a small business around it, keep involved with Sol Inspirations, and try to keep myself on track using sustainable materials where possible and only creating a new collection once per year instead of per season. Focusing more on custom work where possible is a good way to solve some of the dilemma, but consumption sadly remains at the heart of it.


Expression vs. Superficiality: I want to use fashion to express myself, but there is a fine line between expressing myself and becoming too focused on appearances. It is important for me to not become wrapped up in vanity and external beauty in pursuit of self expression so this is a balance I am always working out.


Inclusion vs. Presentation: I discussed this at length above - I want to share my art with the world and have the focus be on the art, but the medium uses individual people as canvasses. Using people who differ from typical industry standards as part of the presentation implicitly draws the attention from the clothes and instead makes a statement about the wearer. Editorial shoots are probably the most fun and creative ways to work around this, where the goal is to create an overall feeling and story,  as opposed to presenting garments one after another on a runway. Stories are for everyone and I want to incorporate much more diversity in my work.


I think there will always been these paradoxes, but I’m interested to see how they will play out and hopefully lead me to new collaboration opportunities and challenges in the future.


Are there scriptural passages (or other spiritual writings) that inspire you?


Rilke’s book, Letters to a Young Poet inspire me in my work for sure. He writes about the importance of finding what you must do at your core and then organizing your life around it. He is talking about writing, but the same can be said of any activity or passion. I know I must attempt to create and share artistic pursuits made with my own hands… fashion design has been the most successful path of tactile and visual expression for me so far.


I am generally more deeply influenced by the evidence of God - through travel, spending time in the ocean, interactions with humans from many walks of life, and all the world’s beauty and magnitude - than I am by written word.

If I switch to KDWD in the morning on the way to work (because I want to hear Beyonce, obviously) I am always surprised again by the weirdness of the dj's and how they perpetuate stereotypes, particularly about how typical Americans should live, pro-consumerism, how they are hyper critical and interested in the lives of famous people, and they are particularly generic with their banter with each other (the girl puts up with a lot but then calls the guys out for being too critical or crude and is laughed off as uptight, etc). It's a pattern that they've found works for radio (but not for me).

So I was listening to this morning's weekend arts round up on The Current instead and was suddenly surprised to have those same kind of feelings as they joked for quite a while about how stressful the holidays are and made that a reason to go check out some new comedy performances in town. More festivities to offer 'relief' from the stressful season. Seemingly normal banter, but it struck me really hard today, paired with ads popping up all over reminding me that I need to buy more, start that 'stressful' Christmas shopping, find that perfect thing, etc. The fact that it seemed commonplace and a normal feature of life was the most striking part:

How is it that we live in a place where we are so privileged that our holidays - our times of celebration and family and joy - have become burdens?

And why do we accept this as the norm?
So here's to a holiday season where we make many of our gifts, we only buy things that we've picked out with excitement to gift to a loved one, we buy many of those things used but still in good shape, and we don't fill our homes with any more things or decorations that add stress, need more upkeep or create additional clutter. Consider that hardships exists but that stress is mostly self created.



Things I will try to live by this season:
If it feels like a burden instead of a celebration, don't do it or don't go.
If I feel I must go, make peace with it first and bring that peace along with me.
If it feels out of place or superficial, say what's on my mind, with love (challenging, no doubt).
Reject the notion that the holidays will be stressful.
Enjoy the people, traditions and spiritual depth around me.
Opt out of traditions that aren't meaningful and create new ones that are.
Support the people who try to do it all by sharing the work, bringing simple dishes along, or taking on some of the needed tasks.
Be genuinely hospitable: Invite people into our home, our usual lives, our chaos.
Be consciously thankful for big and little blessings.
Appreciate little moments as a gift from my maker and be present.

Today I would like to encourage everyone I know to try couchsurfing, whether its by hosting or traveling. 
It's by far the best way I've found to really experience a place while traveling. It's a fantastic loophole financially and in term of interpersonal connections for travelers but also for hosting. We don't have time to travel all over the world right now, so couchsurfing brings the world to us. A couple from Wales stayed at our place for a few days last week. They have been crossing the world after living in Thailand for a few years - find more about their journeys here. 

Check out my couchsurfing profile and reviews and pretend you've never met me if you have fears about it being sketchy, and understand that you can be highly selective with the people you meet - by reading couchsurfing reviews you can guarantee that at least that many people have trusted this person and become better for it. Users can't delete reviews from their profile, so its important to built trust on the site, and easy to reject a request if you are not completely on board with their reviews (or lack of). In a sense, Couchsurfing is just as foolproof as the rest of life is/isn't, but opens you up to much more beauty and new life giving connections.

We got this message from our new buddies a day after Tory dropped them off on his way out to Delano. Tory heading to work, Nic and J heading to Montana and beyond:





"We are alive and well in Fargo.

We had the most amazing day! It got off to a slow start and we ended up sitting in the warmth of Burger King over a coffee. In there we met a pilot who gave us her phone number and offer of free Delta flights when we need them. Then we thumbed it at the side of the road where Tory dropped us and were picked up by a lovely lady who gave took us to a rest stop on the otherside of St Cloud and gave us $20! It was insane!
Whilst we were hugging her and thanking her another woman at the rest stop approached us and asked us what we were doing. She invited us to get a lift to Alexandria with her. Whilst were in the car we asked why she was heading there. She said she was going to a funeral of a friend. And then she asked us if we wanted to go with her as moral support and a way to get a cultural experience. So we went to a funeral.
This country is insane but my god do we love it!
We left the funeral laden with sandwiches and cakes for our journey and she took us to a rest stop about 70 miles from Fargo. 
We sat there for a while and it started to get really cold, a sweet lady asked us if we wanted a lift 20 miles but we decided to wait it out and try to get all the way to Fargo. SHE then gave us $20 and apologised for not being able to help more! 
Then a truck driver stopped, got out of his cab and handed us a bag full of drinks and snacks and apologised for getting off at the next exit. When we looked in the bag there was another $20 in there! 
We waited maybe 30 minutes more before we met a sweet sweet man who was heading all the way to Fargo and he dropped us off right at the motel (which we can afford because people gave us money!)

It's been amazing. So so amazing! People have gone above and beyond to help us. Yourselves included.
Feeling pretty overwhelmed by the kindness of strangers right now. 
I don't think we'll ever take a bus again!

Thank you so much for encouraging us to do this :D

Much love to you both,
Nic & J
xxx"

Oh dear, I do not like doing house chores. So I ended up only doing half of the ones I had planned on.

	Wednesday
	get up: 7:45am
x	wear something creative / do hair
x	make a smoothie or eat breakfast
x	work
x	general picking up / cleaning
x	water the plants
	vaccuum
	sweep
	talk to my family
	PM Yoga
x	take supplements
	bedtime: 11:30pm

50% success rate on Wednesday. But I do think that picking up was a good addition. The house is still grimy, but at least clear of clutter.

I didn't get a chance to talk to my family because they are biking around the San Juan islands this week without me! How do people manage to see their loved ones and maintain full time work? This is one of those very specific situations where my priorities feel very off. It seems obvious that this whole experiment is just a way to help myself make skewed priorities seem normal.

Two weeks vacation in a year seems so unsustainable. Time is so valuable.

Contentedness while attending to priorities, on a scale of 1-10 = Angsty

At Solomon's Porch this week, the photographer who shot the amazing photos of Doug and Shelley's 25th anniversary party (pw: 25th) also covered a huge table with free books.

Okay! 
I took a small step towards goal number 1 this week.
"Find ways to authentically express my faith and love for people (social media being not the place)"

In the summers at Solomon's Porch we do Soapbox sermons where anyone from the community can sign up to do a 10 or 20 minute talk on anything at all that they want to share. I did not sign up this spring due to the public-speaking-for-10-to-20-minutes aspect but on Sunday I found myself sitting back on one of the couches while Doug opened the floor for pop up soapbox sermons for under two minutes. Three realizations came to mind: 

1. I can handle two minutes! 
2. I had my notebook with me.
3. I looked around and saw only friendly and familiar faces.
So in the wise words of my wonderful friend Sunny I thought, "Yeah sure why not?"
So I stood up in the center - the same place Tory and I stood and took our vows surrounded by friends and family - and shared a few thoughts and a part of the Bible that struck me as helpful to my faith journey.



It is not an easy thing for me to share my thoughts on faith and religion - I have made peace within myself that there are basic truths that I am confident in but that the majority of my faith perspective is based on not-knowing, on ever-learning, growing and shifting. Because I know that many Christian persuasions do not share this perspective, or even consider it Christian, I have an internal confidence but I am a pretty insecure person of faith within discussion. This is partly because I am known to be a slow, deep thinker (it takes me days to process ideas), so I generally feel crushed by debate. Leading to a very relevant personal goal #1. This is the larger context of what I shared on Sunday.


"Woe to him who builds his palace by unrighteousness, his upper rooms by injustice, making his countrymen work for nothing, not paying them for their labor.  He says, 'I will build myself a great palace with spacious upper rooms.' So he makes large windows in it, panels it with cedar and decorates it in red. "Does it make you a king to have more and more cedar? Did not your father have food and drink? He did what was right and just, so all went well with him. He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me?" declares the LORD. 

Is that not what it means to know me.

I have always felt most faith-filled when I am interacting with people who have less than me. Less resources, less political clout, less inherent privilege. When I have authentic interactions with people who are traditionally considered poor, I'm reminded how much I have to learn and of the beauty of human connection. 

I'm reminded of beauty when our 3 year old neighbor throws away his candy wrapper in our trash instead of the ground and when my husband says he's proud of the little buddy, he looks up with huge eyes, and says, "you're proud of me?"
I experienced beauty when I was completely unprepared for a two week hiking expedition in the Thai Hilltribes. By the fourth straight day spend hiking in the mountains from village to village, my new host mother welcomed me in smiling, and spent her time rubbing my swollen knee and sore muscles with relaxing salve. She spoke to me through her love because I was hurting and I didn't speak her language.

I hope to use the privileges I've been offered in life to connect with people who haven't been given the same. The verse has two meanings to me:
Is that not what it means to know me - When we are working for the good of others we are experiencing God working through our hands and hearts. 

Is that not what it means to know me - Literally, knowing God through the people he has created. Accepting love from others and looking into the eyes of Jesus.