Day 1 of the idealized week. I am trying to hit as many priorities as I can because they tend to be interconnected, which is why the balance is so hard to maintain. For example, if I miss bedtime, it's highly unlikely that I'll get up to bike the next day, or creatively use any of the curated wardrobe of fashions I claim to enjoy. If I don't make lunches on Sunday, the next thing I know it's Thursday and I've been eating Taco Bell all week. If I don't bike to work, I feel more antsy and less focused in general. Etc. Etc.

SUNDAY

x	sleep in
	morning reflection time
x	general picking up / cleaning
	water the plants
x	wear something creative
x	see Tory's family
	Solomon's Porch
x	prepare/freeze lunches
	make our own bread
x	take supplements
x	bedtime: 11:30pm

Again, I'm trying to get close to this idealized schedule each week for a while to see if attending to all these priorities results in feeling more balanced, or more stressed.

It makes me sad how much this reflection rings true for me, on Thought Catalog. It also makes me want to fight! Nothing like this biting headline, "Your Lifestyle Has Already Been Designed" to get me going. But it's a thoughtful article about another person's experiences adjusting to and reflecting on the norm here.

"Keeping free time scarce means people pay a lot more for convenience, gratification, and any other relief they can buy. It keeps them watching television, and its commercials. It keeps them unambitious outside of work."

That sounds a lot like me:

• scarce free time (and using money to substitute for time)
• paying more for convenience (flying instead of taking the megabus, buying lunches because I forgot to make enough for the week, drive instead of bike to save time, etc)
• spending money for quick entertainment (rather than spending time to do more rewarding things)
• paying to go out to eat with friends rather than being able to put in the extra time and effort to prepare and host
• sometimes I'm just tired and want to watch a movie or favorite show

"The perfect customer is dissatisfied but hopeful, uninterested in serious personal development, highly habituated to the television, working full-time, earning a fair amount, indulging during their free time, and somehow just getting by."

I am dissatisfied but hopeful, obsessively interested in serious personal development, occasionally watch Netflix or shows online (but manage to avoid the commercials), working full-time, earning a fair amount, indulging in hobbies during my free time, and somehow just getting by. The house isn't clean, healthy meals don't always happen, and the balance is definitely off.

Lately I've been trying to practice gratefulness though and also attempt to make my current unbalanced situation as balanced as I can with the time I do have. So I made a really dorky chart. 

At Solomon's Porch this week, the photographer who shot the amazing photos of Doug and Shelley's 25th anniversary party (pw: 25th) also covered a huge table with free books.

Skipping to Goal #3: Consider the balance and the difference between settling vs. contentment



I am still fluctuating here between contentement and angst, sometimes able to be content with my day to day and sometimes erratically convinced that we're completely off track - currently living a life not consistent with how I imagine our future. A lot of that is based on the plan to work slightly over capacity now so that we don't have to plod through the system until retirement age, but is it disconcerting that we could be creating patterns that perpetuate into our future.

How it tends to manifest is bouts of general angst and heightened emotions resulting in an attempt to channel it positively and creating some small changes in my life to help me feel in control and address a small portion of the issue. This weekend ended in clearing out what looked like maybe a third of my wardrobe because I have way to much stuff. (I'm thinking online garage sale possibly?)

I've always found contentment to come really naturally for me, so it's strange to be at odds with how the practical choices we're making and the routine that follows impact my internal life. 
Last night, Tory and I were talking and he mentioned that it's hard to maintain that ability to be content and find happiness whatever your circumstances. "I feel like i'm losing it," I murmured. After a long pause, I realized he was trying to come to terms with the fact that his wife thinks she is losing it. No, no, I added, "I feel like I'm loosing that ability, not IT, not my mind!"

I'm quite sure I can pinpoint for myself that lack of flexibility has turned out to be the main contributor to my spiking emotional life. My main concern is that i'm losing my ability for contentedness (or 'practicing peace' as Reb put it recently) that used to come so naturally and feel integral to me while I had control over the flexibility of my schedule.

So the big question is then, do I feel discontent and therefore need to work harder to practice peace, or am I experiencing a genuine disconnect between who I am and the situation I am in which needs to be addressed and changed? Is this a case of Settling (for something less than God may have planned for us) vs. Contentment (in which case I should carry on in this time of structured life and seek contentment internally)?

For now, I find solace in my and Tory's shared experiences, abundant blessings, potential life planning and dreams, and Joni Mitchell.

I felt a little gift over the fourth of July weekend (one little extra blessing among many if I really think about it).

In my initial reflection about slowing down, I said I wanted to find a beach and take a swim and see the Northern Lights from my childhood.

We were invited up to Dave and Danielle's family's cabin for the 4th and had some great adventures, but incredibly, the first night we arrived we went for a swim and there was the faintest glimpse of the Northern Lights in the night sky. It was faintly similar to the memory I have of when I was about fifteen and up in Northern Ontario with my family - I went for a swim one night when they were blazing green over top of me - it was calm and beautiful. The world slowed down.

The Huffington Post has a recent article about slowing down time perception, and talks about the reasons behind what we all feel - as a kid you think time takes forever, and as an adult you feel like it can't slow down.

"The more detailed the memory, the longer the moment seems to last." The remedy is a combination of mindfulness and introducing yourself to new experiences, both of which I think are valuable. Mindfulness, thankfulness, new inputs. 

Okay! 
I took a small step towards goal number 1 this week.
"Find ways to authentically express my faith and love for people (social media being not the place)"

In the summers at Solomon's Porch we do Soapbox sermons where anyone from the community can sign up to do a 10 or 20 minute talk on anything at all that they want to share. I did not sign up this spring due to the public-speaking-for-10-to-20-minutes aspect but on Sunday I found myself sitting back on one of the couches while Doug opened the floor for pop up soapbox sermons for under two minutes. Three realizations came to mind: 

1. I can handle two minutes! 
2. I had my notebook with me.
3. I looked around and saw only friendly and familiar faces.
So in the wise words of my wonderful friend Sunny I thought, "Yeah sure why not?"
So I stood up in the center - the same place Tory and I stood and took our vows surrounded by friends and family - and shared a few thoughts and a part of the Bible that struck me as helpful to my faith journey.



It is not an easy thing for me to share my thoughts on faith and religion - I have made peace within myself that there are basic truths that I am confident in but that the majority of my faith perspective is based on not-knowing, on ever-learning, growing and shifting. Because I know that many Christian persuasions do not share this perspective, or even consider it Christian, I have an internal confidence but I am a pretty insecure person of faith within discussion. This is partly because I am known to be a slow, deep thinker (it takes me days to process ideas), so I generally feel crushed by debate. Leading to a very relevant personal goal #1. This is the larger context of what I shared on Sunday.


"Woe to him who builds his palace by unrighteousness, his upper rooms by injustice, making his countrymen work for nothing, not paying them for their labor.  He says, 'I will build myself a great palace with spacious upper rooms.' So he makes large windows in it, panels it with cedar and decorates it in red. "Does it make you a king to have more and more cedar? Did not your father have food and drink? He did what was right and just, so all went well with him. He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me?" declares the LORD. 

Is that not what it means to know me.

I have always felt most faith-filled when I am interacting with people who have less than me. Less resources, less political clout, less inherent privilege. When I have authentic interactions with people who are traditionally considered poor, I'm reminded how much I have to learn and of the beauty of human connection. 

I'm reminded of beauty when our 3 year old neighbor throws away his candy wrapper in our trash instead of the ground and when my husband says he's proud of the little buddy, he looks up with huge eyes, and says, "you're proud of me?"
I experienced beauty when I was completely unprepared for a two week hiking expedition in the Thai Hilltribes. By the fourth straight day spend hiking in the mountains from village to village, my new host mother welcomed me in smiling, and spent her time rubbing my swollen knee and sore muscles with relaxing salve. She spoke to me through her love because I was hurting and I didn't speak her language.

I hope to use the privileges I've been offered in life to connect with people who haven't been given the same. The verse has two meanings to me:
Is that not what it means to know me - When we are working for the good of others we are experiencing God working through our hands and hearts. 

Is that not what it means to know me - Literally, knowing God through the people he has created. Accepting love from others and looking into the eyes of Jesus. 

I have always maintained that I should only blog if I have something valuable to explore through it that is relevant to share with others. The first time I felt this was when I was preparing to move to the other side of the world for my last semester of college. I wrote about what 'home' means, impermanence, new experiences and what it was like to be constantly learning.

The next time I felt compelled to share was when I'd moved back to Minneapolis and bought a home with Tory on the Northside of Minneapolis. And so began an exploration and engagement with a new and vibrant community, not excluding the loyal neighbor/drug dealer across the street, our buddies "the kids", and our friend Chef.

Then the tornado came, and the kids and Chef were forced to move when their home was ruined. A new family moved into the restored house and we came to love "the kids #2" as well. About a month ago, they found a new place a few miles away.

Our street very is quiet.

This point in life feels similar - we've transitioned from the ever-changing impermanence of college time to a lull of routine - work, meals, activities, paying down debt. Tory and I spend enjoyable hours together in the evenings and try to get to bed at a decent hour to start the day again. Yup, sometimes we just want to relax and watch Netflix. These are good things. Basic needs - nourishment, sleep, purpose, downtime.

This doesn't make for interesting writing - what I think is relevant to share is my inner life. At least, I feel the need to talk it out.

I am blessed to have all of my needs met, and comfortably, particularly apparent in a time where so many people don't have the security we do. And I'd like to be clear that this is a #firstworldproblem that I am about to delve into.

This is how it feels.

I am taking a brisk walk down a pretty city street holding hands with my husband and overall I'm really content. It's nice out. I'm walking and most days there are a few birds chirping and I notice them briefly as we breeze by.
But once in a while, I notice how fast I'm walking and I start to panic. I feel like I should stop and breathe the world in for a while, and offer something back. Instead, I keep walking and I dabble with a few opportunities that are accessible to me along the side of the road - like passing a street performer and tapping out a brief melody of my own as fast as I can before we've passed. I want to go back and make it beautiful. I want to squeeze my husband's hand tight and pull him down an interesting side street, get lost together. Find a beach and take a swim and see the Northern Lights from my childhood. I want to stop and reflect on the beauty of it all. 

I believe this is a documented phenomena known as Wanderlust. It's partly that, and partly a fear that at the end of the hurriedness of this phase of life, the next phase is waiting, busier than the last. It has potential to be true if we leave it to be - so I feel an intense urgency to find a way to opt out of the rat race before we're too embedded in the patterns. (Big fears: consumerism as the norm, allowing a new normal to define us, to let circumstance determine our path in life rather than our deeper purpose, to have little time in life for reflection and peace.)

I feel an urgency to explore and share ideas that center around these goals:

1. Find ways to authentically express my faith and love for people (social media being not the place)
2. Ensure that college was not 'the best years of my life" - perhaps the most unbridled - but not the best.
3. Consider the balance and the difference between settling vs. contentment
4. Attempt to discover where it is I/we are being led to go/do in our lives