Fluctuation

3:04 PM

Skipping to Goal #3: Consider the balance and the difference between settling vs. contentment



I am still fluctuating here between contentement and angst, sometimes able to be content with my day to day and sometimes erratically convinced that we're completely off track - currently living a life not consistent with how I imagine our future. A lot of that is based on the plan to work slightly over capacity now so that we don't have to plod through the system until retirement age, but is it disconcerting that we could be creating patterns that perpetuate into our future.

How it tends to manifest is bouts of general angst and heightened emotions resulting in an attempt to channel it positively and creating some small changes in my life to help me feel in control and address a small portion of the issue. This weekend ended in clearing out what looked like maybe a third of my wardrobe because I have way to much stuff. (I'm thinking online garage sale possibly?)

I've always found contentment to come really naturally for me, so it's strange to be at odds with how the practical choices we're making and the routine that follows impact my internal life. 
Last night, Tory and I were talking and he mentioned that it's hard to maintain that ability to be content and find happiness whatever your circumstances. "I feel like i'm losing it," I murmured. After a long pause, I realized he was trying to come to terms with the fact that his wife thinks she is losing it. No, no, I added, "I feel like I'm loosing that ability, not IT, not my mind!"

I'm quite sure I can pinpoint for myself that lack of flexibility has turned out to be the main contributor to my spiking emotional life. My main concern is that i'm losing my ability for contentedness (or 'practicing peace' as Reb put it recently) that used to come so naturally and feel integral to me while I had control over the flexibility of my schedule.

So the big question is then, do I feel discontent and therefore need to work harder to practice peace, or am I experiencing a genuine disconnect between who I am and the situation I am in which needs to be addressed and changed? Is this a case of Settling (for something less than God may have planned for us) vs. Contentment (in which case I should carry on in this time of structured life and seek contentment internally)?

For now, I find solace in my and Tory's shared experiences, abundant blessings, potential life planning and dreams, and Joni Mitchell.



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