When people find out we're moving to Thailand (!!!), there's a lot of questions, understandably so. A lot of times people ask if I'm nervous. At this point, my overwhelming emotion is excitement for our big move. It's a new chapter, a new place, a new lifestyle we get to build, and ultimately we are opening ourselves up to so many new opportunities for growth that are harder to come across when you're living in relatively the same patterns for 5+ years. It's hard to imagine leaving our friends and community, but I know this is the right time to go. I have no idea what we will be opening ourselves up to, but I'm excited.

So I am not nervous to go but I have been dealing with a fear that we won't make it. I trust Tory and I both that we are committed to the move. At this point, more and more pieces are falling into place and it feels guided by God. Like we've asked and now we shall receive. We're so close. So because I trust our desire and willingness to step into the unknown, I fear the unpredictable. The things that God does not wish upon us, but that he will guide us through. Hard lessons, natural disasters, skiing accidents, airplane crashes, letting my sweet love out of my sight. It's not an overwhelming fear but it's there, nagging me in a way that it wasn't before. Similarly, I sometimes tremble at how beautiful it is to have someone to love and to know. And with my whole body and spirit I glimpse and fear the deepness of the potential loss. I trust that God is guiding our path, but mainly because I have seen so many blessings. I don't know what it means to trust and follow him in the face of unbearable loss, or even in the face of small, unmet, human expectations.

All this points to how really truly blessed we are. I'm in awe of it. What I desire is gratefulness without fear. Without wondering when or if the bubble will pop. I want to trust God, not our own plans, to lead us through this beautiful, messy, wonderful life. This is my prayer for 2015.